Nightly when I finally take a moment to sit down and peruse my news feed, I find I'm bombarded with all kinds of articles like...."6 Things I need my daughter to know", "What makes a successful mother", "15 things dads of daughters MUST do", "The Golden Rules of Step-parenting", etc. There are articles about "types" of children, "type" of parents, and sadly, criticizing those "types" of parents and kids. The information can so often be overwhelming, and makes me feel like I always have to keep up. Now, I'm not naive; I'm acutely aware of the fact that I'm a Step-Mom and not a full blown mom but I do see myself as a parent and take my role seriously. Lets be honest though, there are so many options for Step-Parents and in
many ways it's an unconventional role that all of us need to navigate
in a different way than the biological parents. But at the same time,
aren't we all (step-parent or otherwise), just trying to figure it out?
Tonight, while scrolling through the onslaught of tiring articles it got me to thinking... there really are no articles about what kind of parent do you want to be? And even more so, what kind of parent do I want to be? There is SO much information about raising the "perfect" children, but what about raising ourselves? How do I want Gracie to see me? Essentially, what do I want to be for her? So, I really thought about it and came up with the following list of who I want to be. Surely no one is perfect, and I am aware that I am far from it - but if I can make an effort to at least hit a few of these things on a daily or weekly basis I think I might be on a good track.
1. Most importantly I want to be present. Both literally and figuratively. I want to be here for Gracie, and for her to know that I am. I want to be an ever present force in her life. I spend a good deal of time at school volunteering and having lunch with her - even on days she is with her mom. this has proven to be huge for her. I can't pretend that I know exactly the effects of this, but what I do know is that she smiles from ear to ear and becomes VERY excited when I am at school. I want to be interactive with her. I spend time planning play dates, science club and am researching Girl Scout (and maybe being a GS leader - YIKES). I just want to be as big of a part of her life as I can so she knows she can count on me. As I've mentioned before, I have had trouble looking for work, but when I look back I really see it as a blessing in disguise. There have been bursts of times where I have freelanced for work, but during these bursts I would leave when Gracie was asleep and wouldn't get home until way after she was asleep. The most recent freelance job I had was during her summer vacation, so she would try to stay up late with all of her might to see me. But midnight, 1:00am, etc was just too much for a 5 year old. It broke both of our hearts just a little. What that has taught me is - I want to be present with her. I need to work on putting the computer, phone and ipad down when we are together and work on being present with each other.
2. I want her to be proud of me. One day, I want Gracie to look at me and say "That's My Step-Mom". And I think trying to do all of the things on this list will hopefully make this true one day.
3. I want to be a good role model / example. I believe that the best way to be a good role model is to lead by example. As I mentioned earlier, I am fully aware that I'm not perfect and I surely make my fair share of mistakes; But if I can be more conscious about being a good example hopefully the good will outweigh the bad. I want to show her how and why being generous and kind to others is so important, I want her to see how to care/ nurture for other people, I want her to value the things in her life - and not just expect them, I want her to see me be a good friend and see why having girlfriends and good friends is so vital in life, I want her to value family, and see why following your dreams and being true to yourself is so important.
4. I want to be Fun. This may seem like a given, but anyone who knows me, knows that I naturally can tend to be serious and at times, tend to take myself too seriously. I want to dance with her more, enjoy small moments, do fun activities, try new adventures, etc. with her. I want to laugh with Gracie more, I want to show her not to "sweat the small stuff" and most importantly teach her to laugh at herself. Because let's face it, when we can laugh at ourselves life is not only easier for us, but certainly also makes us easier to be around. Furthermore, a good sense of humor is key to obtaining a healthy and happy life (at least that is what I think) and I'd rather laugh than cry any day.
5. I want to be a parent first, and friend close second. Ugh this is the one that REALLY pains me to write. Because, well, my mom would always say this to me and it would annoy me SO much. Ugh. But she is so right (dam it!). It is my job to guide, teach and care for her and sometimes be a "mean" mom - one day I know she will thank me (ugh dam it, I'm sounding like my mom again).
6. I want to provide a safe, cozy and loving home that is a safe haven. I want to provide a home that is filled with love and is loving. I want our home to be a place where Gracie feels the safest - a place where she says I can't wait to go home! I also want our home to be a place where we show her what love really means and provide a good solid example of a successful relationship (no pressure! ha).
7. Guide without criticizing. I think we alllll know what I'm talking about here.
8. I want to be confident and less self deprecating. Somewhere along the way, most women (myself included) find it easier to be self deprecating than to be confident about themselves. This includes who we are on the inside and out. There are so many times when I catch myself in a conversation with Gracie. She'll say Stephanie you look so pretty and I'll say, Oh thanks but my hair is a mess or I wish this fit better. Without missing a best she'll reply with No you don't, DON'T say that! And she is right! How am I supposed to expect her to be confident but not be confident myself. I want her to see my drive and confidence to go back to school. I want her to see (through me) that we can do anything we want to do if we just put our minds to it. I really need to work on this one - but I'm really hoping to get there because I think this really is vital to her success and happiness.
I know this list is ambitious and my goals are lofty. However I think if we don't focus on who we want to be for our kids, we can easily get overwhelmed and swayed in all different kinds of directions. So many Step-Parent articles talk about taking a "backseat" and just being a "support system" for the family. Unfortunately, I'm not a sit back and observe kind of girl and if I have a chance to be a force in her life - I'm going to. I love Gracie with all my heart and I really want to be the best me for her! Obviously what is right for me, probably won't be right for you, but what I believe to be true is that if there is love - we can all produce happy, healthy and confident kids who value relationships, themselves, and others (and hopefully one day, their parents).
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