That Tricky Thing Called Work / Life Balance

I have quickly discovered that I'm terrible at that thing Work/Life/ Family balance.  I recently took on a freelance job, which is great for our family budget, but not so great for my sanity.  As many of you know I work in television and the TV industry isn't really known for great hours.  I started the new job full time last week and by full time I mean, working about 110 hours in 7 days (no exaggeration, I just checked the math).   To be fair, there is quite a commute involved as well and I factored that into this. When I was single this was no big deal to me and I could easily do it. Maybe that's why I was single during the majority of the height of my career.  haha. 

This past week we only had Gracie for two days as it was our "off" week.  So seeing her was quite a challenge and somewhat heartbreaking - which is probably dramatic, but nonetheless how I feel.  On Wednesday night I didn't get home until after 10:30pm and Gracie had fallen asleep. CJ told me she tried with all her might to stay up to see me when I got home :(.  I crashed and went right to bed as I had to get up early again.  Because she fell asleep so late, when I went to leave the house at 7am she was still sleeping.  I went into her room to wake her up, give her a kiss and remind her how much I loved her and wish her a good day.  However, she wasn't having any of the waking up part.  When Gracie is asleep she is ASLEEP! She sleeps like a rock and didn't want to get up.  This broke. my. heart.  I knew I was going to have another very long day and she was leaving the next morning to go to her moms.  But I had to go. I couldn't be late.

As I left I the house I started to cry. I missed my little Gracie, her fabulous morning hugs, the sound of her giggles as her and her daddy joke around in the morning and of course, her dragon breath (haha).   CJ reminded me that this is only short term, its only a few weeks and I'm doing what I love. But it still hurt.   So on my drive to work and once she woke up Gracie called me to say "Hi and I love you".  While it was a short call it so made my day to hear her little 'wake up' voice. 

She left the next morning to see her mom and luckily she was up Friday morning to say goodbye and I got my hugs.  While we always miss Gracie while she is gone, I miss her more than usual because it feels like I've seen her for a hot second over the course of the week. 

I know this is all temporary, but I worry about her.  As I mentioned before she has been through a lot and I try so hard to give her stability.  She is a strong little girl and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I worry that her stability has been rocked a little and that she is disappointed that some of our summer plans aren't panning out.  

But while I was driving in and missing our time together I was thinking about what this is teaching her.  I hope that this is teaching her that in our family we work hard, we support each other, that girls can do whatever they aspire to do (she is always asking us things like "can a girl be a scientist") and most importantly we follow our dreams.  Gracie knows how working in TV is what I love to do, so I hope she sees that no matter what we can follow our dreams and how its possible with a supportive family. 

Father's Day Fail

As the Step-Mom, I have made it my mission to make sure CJ knows how great of a dad he is on Father's day, as well as Gracie's Opa (her Grandfather - CJ's stepfather).  To Gracie, her Dad is the light of her life.  She is a Daddy's girl through and through and I felt it important to help her show her Dad and Opa how important they really are to her.   And as always, as a Step-Mom I feel the need to go above and beyond probably what is normal.

We couldn't afford to get the gifts that I really wanted to get, so once again I had to get creative.  I logged onto Pinterest and searched for hours and pinned like it was my job trying to find the right gifts that would convey the meaning of the day and Gracie's feelings (even if it is a so called Hallmark holiday).  Now, this is where things started to go downhill...

I first thought it would be an amazing to incorporate CJ's dad into the gifts.  Even though he has passed, he is always in CJ's thoughts and tries to parent like him.  He truly was his role model, so I thought incorporating him into the gifts would be a great idea.  Right?!  I saw those generational photos on Pinterest - the kind of the photo of someone holding a photo holding a photo. I thought this would be great.  So I went through painstaking detail to find a picture of CJ's dad (I managed to find one of him holding Gracie as a baby), then had to talk CJ into taking a picture holding the photo without him seeing it and then had to have Gracie hold it while trying to explain the concept to her - a concept she didn't seem to think was as great as I thought it was.  I was hoping the finished product would look like this (what I found on Pinterest):

What I wound up with is below.  Now, obviously it didn't look AS silly with the coverups I placed to conceal Gracie and CJ's identity, but it still didn't look good.  I clearly needed to do this in black and white, had a darker background, have more patience and most importantly not think I am a professional photographer.  Problem is, I just took on a Freelance job (more on that in my next blog) and I was trying to pull this all together at 9pm the night before Father's day - so as much as this sucked, its what CJ was getting because I didn't have much else. 

As with anything Gracie gives CJ he said he liked the gift and put the photo up in our room.  I cringe every time I see it as I feel like its a constant reminder that I could have done so much better on this one.  I got a nice Mother's Day (even though Im technically not a mom) and feel like I failed CJ on this one.

Gracie's Opa is a wonderful man.  He loves her with everything he has and would do anything in the world for her.  His face TRULY lights up bright when she walks into the room and you can very much feel the love he has for her when they are in the same room together.  I believe she is one lucky to have an Opa like the one she does (and her Oma too).  Opa isn't a real emotional man, but anything that has to do with Gracie he cries.  It's awesome and I love it!  He'll cry if she sings in the Christmas chorus at school, or will tear up at times when she says how much she loves him.  He is very special to her so I wanted to make a special gift.  I forgot to take a photo of the final gift, but take my word for it, it SUCKED.  Its was a photo frame with two photos, one with Gracie and Opa and one that looked like the pic below.  I badly wrote on the frame matting "I'm as lucky as can be, because the best Opa in the world belongs to me".  In theory it was great, putting it together at 10pm the night before was a disaster. My handwriting was awful and I couldn't get Gracie to really get into taking the picture.  So I wound up with the one below in black and white.  To top it off when I printed it at Target they printed the wrong size and couldn't print a new one for me.  I was so disappointed :(  However, Opa still loved his gift and in true fashion it still brought tears to his eyes.

 

To be fair, we did have one Father's Day win.  It was this plate Gracie and I made before I started working.  She insisted I write "MMMM...Time for BBQ" at the top, and I think its fabulous!   

The Summer Slide

Now that the school year is officially over, and summer has started, I've become determined not to let Gracie fall victim to what the school apparently calls "The Summer Slide" (its basically when students don't do any sort of educational engagement over the summer).  I don't want to be the killjoy and suck all the fun out of summer, but also refuse to let Gracie fall behind.  I used to hate, I mean HAAATE when my parents made me do school work over the summer but in hindsight they were right, and thus I've fallen victim to another way I'm turning into my mother.  BUT with that said, there were times where I felt dumb in school - like when I didn't understand math (actually, I'm still not good at stupid math) and I don't want Gracie to have that same feeling.

The teacher was great and sent home tons of resources for us to tap into over the summer, and gave us great lists of things to do. Additionally, there are things that Gracie needs to really strengthen before first grade starts - so I'm taking this on as part of my challenge this summer.  I've renamed this summer to be "The most FUUUNN and education summer ever" (changed from "The most fun summer ever!!").

I've decided to tackle this challenge by creating a learning board for the kitchen.  Much like a chore chart, our learning chart has a different subject to work on every day. If Gracie works on that subject with me for 30 minutes that day she will earn a purple star - if she gets a full week of purple stars she will have earned a prize for the week.  I'm still working on the prizes but so far I've come up with the following:
     - Ice Cream Date with Daddy
     - Visit to the Glazer Children's museum or MOSI (does this really count as a prize if its still    
        educational?)
     - Activity of your choice from the bucket
     - 1 toy (within reason) at Toys R Us

Looking back at the chart I made, it seems a little intense. But none the less, we are going to try it.  Wish us luck!
 

I Think I Might Have Overdone It

Yesterday was Gracie's last day of Kindergarten and I was so immensely excited for her (perhaps more excited than she was)!  Not only were we so proud of her successfully finishing through a tough year,  but I have also exhausted myself Pinteresting and planning "the most exciting summer ever"!  I was also super excited that we got Gracie on the last day of school....because that meant IIII got to plan something fun!  I thought this is going to be my shining moment of awesomeness! ha!

And so ensued the madness.  I came up with everything I could and spent 3 days putting the house together.  As many of you know, we can't really spend any kind of money so I had to use free resources at my disposal.   First, I decided we need to center our "celebration" around a poem, which I wrote over and over again and wound up with this:
      
       Your year in kindergarten is now through,
       and we’re so proud of you.

      You learned about reading, writing and math
      and always took your bath.
      You learned how to buy lunch
      and made friends by the bunch.

      Mrs. Supper taught you about good choices
      and how to use your voices.
      You worked hard and did your best to get a purple
      and always paid attention in reading circle.

      You worked hard in school,
      and now its time to swim in the pool,
      sing on the swing,
      have fun in the sun,
      and even eat a hot dog bun

      But first lets take a look
      at the incredible kindergarten journey you took…

       Love,
       Daddy and Stephanie

I then centered this around a wall that featured some of her finest work throughout Kindergarten.  I put up a "Congratulations Smarty Pants" Banner that I found on Five Heart Home. 

I then saw a few people who put up signs that listed what their kids accomplished so I did my own spin on it with a blackboard header that I found on Oh So Printable.    I used this as a backdrop for her last day of school photo. 

But then I felt like we needed some FUN at our celebration! So I dug out some balloons and some old streamers and strung them up, I drew outside the front door with chalk and created a "welcome to summer" run through at the front door.  I found the sign at Seven Thirty Three.  I also created a wish balloon that she could send to the sky, and hope for all of her fun summer time wishes to come true

"Summer is Done, Now its time for some FUN!"

"I am a wish balloon.  Take me outside and let me fly, I will take your wishes to the sky!"

Was this all over the top?  Probably and totally YES.  At first when we picked her up from school, she didn't seem that excited and I was like, Hello!!! It's Summer Vacation!  and Gracie was so Ho-Hum about it. I thought uh-oh.  However, when Gracie came home from school and saw everything she LOOOOVED it!  She ran through the door sign that "starts summer" and squealed with delight.  She said "Stephanie and Daddy, this made me SO happy".  She sang, danced and laughed and then proceeded to tell us about all of the work that was up on the wall.  I think she too, was so proud of herself.  And to me, that is what is the most important.

The Apple

I truly believe that teachers are so under appreciated these days. They spend most of their time managing parents and kids "issues" that I find it a small miracle that learning actually happens some days.  So when you encounter a great teacher, I feel its so important to thank them for doing the incredible work that is truly thankless. 

Gracie was so blessed to have an amazing Kindergarten teacher who not only helped her learn more than what I learned by the end of first grade, but was also caring, compassionate and determined not to let any child fall behind in their class.  She put a ton of effort into Gracie when she was struggling in her studies and helped her through some time times that were happening at home.  She is one of those teachers that I know we will never forget.

Mrs. Supper gave Gracie an amazing foundation for her education and encouraged a great enthusiasm for learning.  Throughout the year we were diligent to give the obligatory Christmas and Teacher Appreciation gifts, but wanted to give her something to show her how special we really think she is. 

So I spent a great deal of time searching, looking and Pinteresting the perfect gift.  I couldn't find anything as I felt like there really wasn't anything that matched her personality and how much we wanted to thank her. 

Until....I found the perfect Alex and Ani Bracelet.  More than the bracelet, I loved the message behind it.   We gave it to her at the end of the day at the last day of school, so we don't know if she liked it, but either way I hope she understands our appreciation. 

Fitting in and trying to figure it out

With the school year winding up there are so many activities to celebrate the end of Kindergarten for Gracie.  While I'm so excited for her and immensely proud of everything she accomplished, I'm finding it very hard to figure out where I belong in the mix of everything.

On Friday I rushed home from a work trip in order to make it to Gracie's Portfolio day.  CJ has always been supportive and said I should go to the event, but as it drew closer the more unsure I became of whether or not I should actually go.  I knew Gracie's mom was going to be at the event (as she should be and totally nothing wrong with that), but then I felt like if both her mom and dad are there where do I fit in?!?!  I feel silly going and almost like its not my place to be there.  Its something I always struggle with when it comes to events like this.  Where do I stand?  Who do I talk to?  What do I do when I'm there?  How do I assert myself to ask the teacher every question I have without stepping on anyone's toes?  Also as a child of divorce myself,  I can understand the anxiety involved in having your divorced mom and dad in the same room without any additional stress.  I want to save Gracie from that anxiety and surely don't want me to be the source of that anxiety. 

Additionally, my confidence in Being Gracie's Step-Mom has been knocked down a few rungs because some people in her life have told her "Stephanie isn't your Step-Mom yet because she isn't married to your dad yet" (only because we can't afford a wedding).  I feel like I am, but it just makes me feel a little more lost in this tough journey to becoming the best Step-Mom I can be. 

So do I go?  Do I not go? I decided to wait until the end of the even and only stop by.  Everything was fine and I was so proud of Gracie and everything she accomplished, but still felt out of place. 

Then, she had a school gathering this morning at a Spray Park with all her classmates to celebrate the end of Kindergarten.  This time it was a little easier as it was just myself and CJ bringing Gracie to the event. First let me say though, how did we get to be so old?! CJ and I were the oldest Kindergarten parents there by a good few years. 

 I tried to talk to the other moms who were there as I wanted to exchange phone numbers so that we could arrange play dates throughout the summer.  However, it was harder than I thought.  I had one mom say to me "oh you're just her Step-Mom" and had Gracie come up and say to a mother who I was speaking to "she's not my Step-Mom yet".  I know that Gracie is just repeating what she has heard and we have a good relationship, but it is still difficult to hear  - maybe just because my confidence has been knocked down a little bit?

But then I thought, ummm don't over 50% of married couples wind up in divorce?  So I mean our family really isn't an anomaly these days is it?  I feel like I couldn't have been the only Step-Mom there, but I surely felt like it. 

But I'm not going to let any of these people and what they have to say get to the best of me because I know that every day, no matter what, I try my very hardest to be the best I can be for Gracie.  CJ and I try to show her every day what true love is, what partnership is, what happiness is and to encourage her to dream.  Sure, none of us are perfect but I think trying my best and making an effort to make Gracie's life the best it can be is a good place to start, and at the end of the day I truly don't believe there is anything wrong with that and I will not fail her by letting my own insecurities get in the way. 

Martha Stewart I am not...not even close

When re-doing Gracie's playroom, we had to pool our resources together and get some free stuff in order to put the room together.  We got this great bookshelf that was in perfect condition, but it was black and boring and not really what I'd consider "playroom friendly". 

So in my head I thought, I so got this...I am a Pinterest Queen. Well, I started painting and what we wound up with is colorful, but not necessarily my best work.  My fun polka dots turned into crazy looking flowers when I thought I could "spice" it up even more. 

Luckily Gracie likes it, but oye not at all what I had imagined in my head! What I did was paint everything white first, and then went back over it with color so it would really "pop".  Yeah, it pops alright.